Love doesn’t exists. . . love is played. And I don’t mean “love doesn’t exists” in a “I just got my heart broken by a boy, and I hate boys because I’m 12 kinda way”. I mean love really does not exists. I know this whole post could be debated and torn up and down. And, I probably will change my mentality tomorrow, or a year from now… who knows. But, at this moment in my life, I feel like love is only a game that is played. All we want is to manipulate someone. We want to change them, we want them to change us. We want to have power over them; we want them to have power over us. We like to know what makes them tick and what turns them on. In a sense, I used to think it was love. Wanting to know their minds? But now, love is only a manipulation. I used to always want to marry a writer. Why? because I knew that to be a writer you have to exercise your mind. You’ve most likely had to gone through something in your life where writing became the only way for you to express yourself. THAT excited me. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing necessarily wrong with any of these things I am saying. It is the principle behind it. I wanted to marry a writer because I wanted to pick at their minds and maybe change them. Maybe set them free. Make them realize I would understand their emotions, not just the paper. I realize that love is selfless and love is pure and all of this. But, in this world.. in this generation is anything realistically pure? There is no way . There is always a motive behind people’s actions. Mind you, I am NOT a fan of people complaining and “hating” life and relationships and all of that good stuff hah. I am just a realistic thinker. I am young, I am immature, I have a lot of growing up to do. But, if all love is good for is being played…not sure I want much to do with it.
It has been a while since I posted anything. I picked up an old journal today and started reading it. I recently have been struggling with school and feeling so hopeless. I usually read my journals to find inspiration and inspiration is what I found.
-Recently I have been stressing about changing my major and my future. I feel like this is where God wants me, but what if I am wrong? What if I spend my whole life searching and never find what I am good at. I want to invest in high schoolers- I want them to trust me and to influence them spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Some of my darkest days were in high school and I had teachers to support me through it all. I hope this is my calling and I pray the Lord keeps me dedicated to my dreams. By next semester I will be writing lesson plans and teaching kids. I am no where near ready, but I can only hope He prepares me.
Here I am, the next year, writing lesson plans and teaching children. I said I would be no where near ready- and I am over half way done the semester. I was so discouraged by school and by my dreams. Reading this entry made me realize why I wanted to study Education in the beginning. Keeping track of your journeys, dreams, emotions, are so important. I encourage you guys to read your old journals. Get back in touch with what you really want and who you really are. If you do not write ever, I encourage you to write. It is so good for the soul.
Anyone that has read my last posts probably came to the conclusion that I am a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve…wrong. I am actually the complete opposite. I actually only wear my heart on the pages. Recently, my girl friends were talking to me about relationships and asked me how do they become like me? What they mean is how can they not get hurt; how can they not let the decision of whether a guy likes them or not alter their lives. Which was all very true; it is how I acted. I am single, I am happy, and my friends envied it.
When I would go into my room at night and think about all of these things my friends would say, I realized that this is not something to envy of me. Don’t get me wrong…if you are single and happy and it is for healthy reasons, all power to you! BUT if you are like me and you are in an unhealthy stage where you are unable to love.. this is not something to boast.
It is hard to change my ways, it is hard to realize that having a hard heart isn’t being “strong” .. it’s being weak.
I will leave you guys with this quote:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it in tact, you must give your to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S Lewis “The Four Loves”
As you all know the popular book/movie by the wonderful John Greene: A Fault in Our Stars … When I finished reading this book, I was so inspired. I could not wait to write what was on my mind. Now, I can share my not so great writing skills with you all 🙂 Enjoy.
The fault isn’t in our starts, it’s in our people
Our generation has changed…our minds won’t think deeper
We are all imperfect.. all failures
But the fault isn’t in our stars it’s in our people
We have such high standards, so much competition
Everyday, what we say it’s a new audition
We had to impress the biggest and the best
Our minds are distraught they’re never put to rest
We envy each other and hate ourselves
Because we take the worlds view of perfection and put it on us
And then we wonder why we don’t fit in…why our thoughts are unjust
We need to reevaluate, we need our minds to go deeper
Because the fault isn’t in our stars..it’s in our people
There was laughter in her eyes
Through her smile, she would shine
She lost the hope inside her heart
All because they were ripped apart
She thrives to be… the girl she once was
She thrives to bring light to everything she does
The dark thoughts of the night
Brought her away from the light
The girl she once was, the girl that once could commit
She wanted to be her old self, but she was still trying to find it
The girl, whose always confident in who she is. She never asked God why her fairytale hasn’t happened yet-or better yet why her fairytale ended so soon. She understood no one had the right to ask God those things, but she is also naïve and not perfect. She is anxious and shy-though those are words no one would describe her as. She wanted someone stable and smart-though again, words people would not describe her soul mate as. She had dreams of curling up with a strong guy, drinking coffee and talking about the crazy things running through their minds. She wanted him to want to know every thing running through her mind. She wanted him to watch her while she sat there and thought, and have that look, while he smiles; thinking in his head how he loves everything she does. She wanted him to say those mushy things, that she for so long despised, at random times and make her smile. She longed for a guy who didn’t abuse her body, but who didn’t make her feel unwanted. She wanted him to cherish her, to get her to become unchained from her insecurities. She did not want a guy to complete her; she wanted to meet a guy that made her so secure she felt completed-alone.